(Photo Credit: Martino Pietropoli)
I’m writing this post with the hugest smile on my face and it feels like after the longest time my smile really means something. It shows all and everything of me; just me and me alone. They say things happen for a reason and I’ve become a firm believer of that. That things happen to shape us to become who we are.
I feel like I’ve always lived my life in the darkness and the shadows. I’ve always hidden behind everyone else’s shadows… I’m not sure when that ever became my choice. I’ve let people walk, trample and stomp over me until I’d forgotten who I was and what I loved. That’s how I’ve felt for as long as I can remember really.
There’s no one to stomp on me anymore though.
I’m still scared but I don’t care anymore. It’s time for me to step out of the shadows finally after nearly 20 years.
The fear that was once instilled in me used to paralyse me. It used to make me wish I could disappear. It was invisible hands pulling me back and suffocating me. I’ve finally learnt that the fear I feel isn’t bad though… It’s because I care so much about everything.
It doesn’t grab me by the throat anymore instead it pushes me along. The fear doesn’t feel so debilitating any more but more liberating. It’s ok that I feel scared because I feel that all the fear is giving me energy. Energy and passion that I want to use to become someone amazing… To feel amazing.
I want to do everything that I’ve always wanted without a care in the world and I very much plan on doing it.
Saturday 11th March I think will always have a new meaning to me. A day I felt like I gained all my confidence and passion back. The day that really and honestly changed me life. A day that I never could’ve expected ever. The day that filled me with so much joy that I truly felt for the first time that I couldn’t contain it… That I didn’t need to because everything was ok. I am ok.
At this point of my life right now this exact moment I’m writing this I’m so happy that I’m actually crying. Something that I genuinely don’t I think has ever happened to me. I finally don’t feel the need to hide who I am and who I want to be.
It’s funny really how something so small can turn your life around. How one day can make such a difference.
Life has hit me at full force and I feel so alive.
I never want to feel any different than I do now.
I couldn’t have done it without the people that inspired me. The people that have been there for me through everything. That made me feel ok again. That pieced me back together without even knowing that they had. That made me feel like I mattered and meant something. People that have almost become like strange sort of family to me.
I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me.
You’ll never really understand, I don’t think… how much you mean to me. How much of a difference you’ve made I will never find the words to explain. Just know that you’re amazing and I am so grateful.
If you’re reading this thank you for being part of my life because I couldn’t ask for anyone better.
Thank you for inspiring me and for reminding me of who I am.